Match Game 2026

I sit in the contestant's chair on the set of a game show from my childhood.  Familiar theme music vamps. 

"Doot.  Doo.  Do-da-doot-da-doodle.  Doot.  Doo.  Do-da-doot-da-doodle..." 

Johnny Olson's voice rings out, "Get ready to match the stars!"  Not real Johnny.  He died forty years ago.  Ai Johnny.  

"Squidward!"  Do-da-doot-da-doodle...

"Velma!"  Do-da-doot-da-doodle...

"Peppa Pig!"  Do-da-doot-da-doodle...

"Minnie Mouse!"  Do-da-doot-da-doodle...

"Krusty the Clown!"  Do-da-doot-da-doodle.... 

"And Penny Proud!  As we play the star-studded Match Game 2026!  And now your host, Geeeeene Rayburn!"

Longtime host Gene Rayburn bows.  Also Ai, also longtime dead.  The theme music fades under fake audience applause.   Ai Gene circa 1975 clutches a long, thin microphone.  His two hands become three, then hooves, then salamis. He introduces me, reading from an Ai index card that alternates between card and conch shell.

"It says here, Steve, that you are a longtime animator."

I politely pimp myself. "Well, I've been an animator, storyboard artist, director...just about everything." 

"Whatever, animator." Squidward says.

The fake audience laughs.    

Penny Proud says. "You worked on the original Proud Family series?" 

"A little bit, yeah. Back in the '90's."  I say.  Yes!  An ally!

Then she follows, "You look like one of my dad's friends."  Ouch.

"Blimey!" Peppa Pig says in the cutest cute little English accent.  "You're from the 20th Century?"

"We're all from the 20th Century." Velma says.  "I've been sporting this style since 1970."

"I go back to the 1920's!"  Minnie says.  "We're Legacy I.P."

"I pee too!  And poo. " Peppa says.  

The fake audience awwwws.  Peppa's so darned cute. 

Ai Gene explains, "Peppa, IP means Intellectual Property.  They're old cartoons,  rehashed over and over, long past their heyday.  Why, Minnie here has been through how many voice actors?"

"Hey, at least I'm not dead, Gene!"  Minnie says.  A zinger! 

Ai Gene mugs to the fake audience, sporting a third eye.  They laugh and applaud. 

"But I don't want to be made into rehash."  Peppa whines.  So, so darned cute.

"Trust me, kid."  Squidward says, "You'll be doing this little piggy shtick 50 years from now."

Peppa starts to cry.  

Krusty takes a disgusted drag from a cigarette. "Hey, I thought we were gonna interview this old dude."

A hard laugh from the fake audience.  

Ai Gene alternates between his 1955 kinescope self, to his 1975 self.  "So Steve, today you're vying for a directing job on a top secret preschool series."  

The fake audience ooooohs.

"All I can reveal is:  there's a PRINCESS with an ADORABLE SIDEKICK."

"Sound interesting." I lie.  "I've actually directed on three preschool shows in the past ten years with princesses and adorable sidekicks."  Total match.  This game is mine. 

Ai Gene is impressed. His suit becomes a huge churro.  "How about that, panel?" 

Velma says, "Jinkies, that's swell!  Are you groovy with the pay rate?"

"Oh yeah." I lie again.  Same pay as 20 years ago.  

"Yeah?  What about the outsized expectations?" Krusty says.

"Free overtime?  Yep. I get it."  I don't get it.    

The fake audience applauds.  

Ai Gene looks to camera, his head switching to Bill Cullen.  "Is Steve's a match?  We'll find out right after this!" 

"Doot-a do-dah! Doot doot da-doot.  Doot-a do-do do-da doo!"

We go to commercial. Theme music and fake applause abruptly stop.  Everyone freezes.  Pop!  They're gone.  The set disappears.  I wait.  In my contestant's chair.  In a dark, empty soundstage.  

"Hello?"

Five minutes.  Commercial break should be over.  Wandering, looking for someone.  An actual person.  To talk to.  In person.  Nope.   

I go home. 

Ten days later, there's a 'no-reply' e-mail from Match Game.  Thanks for being such a good contestant, bla,bla,bla, hard decision, bla, bla, bla, but we found a better match for our top secret show of a princess and her adorable sidekick.  A match more aligned with our needs.  

There was more, but I stopped reading.  That was that.  In the old days, I'd get a parting gift.  Rice-A-Roni.  A Bissell Vacuum.  Something.  

How could I not be a match?   

I bet it was Peppa.  Fucking Pig. 

-Steve