I sit in the contestant's chair on the set of a game show from my childhood. Familiar theme music vamps.
"Doot. Doo. Do-da-doot-da-doodle. Doot. Doo. Do-da-doot-da-doodle..."
Johnny Olson's voice rings out, "Get ready to match the stars!" Not real Johnny. He died forty years ago. Ai Johnny.
"Squidward!" Do-da-doot-da-doodle...
"Velma!" Do-da-doot-da-doodle...
"Peppa Pig!" Do-da-doot-da-doodle...
"Minnie Mouse!" Do-da-doot-da-doodle...
"Krusty the Clown!" Do-da-doot-da-doodle....
"And Penny Proud! As we play the star-studded Match Game 2026! And now your host, Geeeeene Rayburn!"
Longtime host Gene Rayburn bows. Also Ai, also longtime dead. The theme music fades under fake audience applause. Ai Gene circa 1975 clutches a long, thin microphone. His two hands become three, then hooves, then salamis. He introduces me, reading from an Ai index card that alternates between card and conch shell.
