I brushed off this spooky story from the 2008 e-zine version of FLiP. Enjoy! -Steve
Always after me. Always after me. Always. After me. Always after me, Lucky Charms. I am a leprechaun. A well famous leprechaun in the flake trade. On the run because, as I said, they’re after me. Always after me. After me.
They’re watching me. Always watching. Watching. Were they not watching, I’d surely vanish. Leprechauns can do that. We can vanish. But nae with a-body watching. Like a dog having a shite, nae with a-body watching. Once they fixed an eye on me, I was bloody well fooked.
So I run. I run. Always after me. I run. Always in the light. Always where they can’t make their move. Who are they? Who the fook are they?
I am the pitchman for a breakfast cereal that bears me name. For nigh sixty years, me job has been to entice children to eat rubbish that tastes like the box it came in. I’ve sold billions of boxes of this shite, making me richer than Bill Gates and the Pope sewn together and dipped in gold. I may be an animated blaggard, but I’ve nae reason to lie when I tell you that they’re after me. Always after me.
T’was nigh a week ago. Shooting commercial number two-thousand or so. Pointing to a gigantic bowl of cereal, saying me tag line, “Always after me Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious!” as I had done two-thousand or so times before. But this young, wanker director wants get all method with it. Meisner shite. So I dick around with the line, twisting every read until me bloody head hurt.
“Always after me Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious!”
“Always, after me Lucky Charms they’re; magically delicious.”
“Always after? Me: Lucky. Charms? They’re magically, delicious.”
I even gave the Shatner method a go. “Always! After! Me Lucky! Charms! They’re magicallydelicious.”
After two hours of this, I was losing me will to live. After five hours, I was losing me will for the director to live. Alas, I sais, “Always after ME - Lucky Charms! THEY’RE Magically Delicious.”
Mr. DeMille shouts, “PERFECT! CUT! PRINT! WRAP!”
“Well!” I thought to meself aloud, “What a fine piece of shite that’s going to be! Always after me, they are - like there’s a fookin’ price on me head! You turned it all arseways, you stupid git.”
I nae more than spit those words when a flood light crashed at me lucky feet. Massive beast of metal and glass, big as yours truly, lay in a steaming heap before me. Words “Magically Delicious” scrawled on its crinkled side. From the distant soundstage door, I hears the director chuckle, “Careful, little fella. Kelloggs would sue me if you got hurt.”
I chucked me shillelagh at the smug shite. “I dunna work for Kelloggs, ya stupid twat!”